As you can imagine, I’ve had some serious life/death discussions with people lately. I’m thankful for the people who feel comfortable enough with me to have these talks. Most people want to be POSITIVE and uplifting and OMG -you can’t talk about potential impending death at the same time.
But I believe you CAN. It all comes down to how you view things. And talking about death doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen tomorrow or that you are giving up your struggle to stay alive. In fact -I want to have this talk about death to put all your minds at ease.
“You are so strong and such a fighter – you WILL beat this.” “But you are such a good person – it’s not FAIR this is happening to you.” “How could a loving God let this happen?” “If your faith is strong enough God WILL heal you!”
I’ve heard all these statements more than a few times. If you will bear with me, I’d like to address them all and explain why each one makes me roll my eyes.
You are a strong fighter and you will beat this. I agree that I am a strong fighter and I am not about to go quietly into that dark night. HOWEVER. I am not a superhero. My body has limitations. Even the strongest man on earth can be felled by a microscopic virus. I think a person’s strength has more to do with how they handle their body failing them. No matter how crappy you feel there is no excuse to treat others badly. And you can still find ways to be a blessing to others even if the darkest days. THAT is strength. And it’s not gonna save me from the eventuality of death. No amount of physical or emotional strength can do that. So please stop telling me I can BEAT cancer. That’s not up to me and if I fail I don’t want you to think I wasn’t “strong enough”.
You are such a good person – it’s not FAIR this is happening to you. First of all -thanks for thinking that. HOWEVER. Who is to judge who is “good” and what “is fair” other than God. And God never promises any of us a fair, good, pain-free, perfect happy life. If you are one of the rare people who have actually never experienced hardship or heartache, sickness or loss then WOW -consider yourself lucky! I think the hardship and horrors I have experienced in life have actually MADE me a better person. Like my daughter’s tattoo says: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I hate those commercials that say you should buy or do something because you DESERVE to be happy. Really? Says who? Maybe it IS fair that I got cancer. Lord knows I abused my body with cigarettes (back in the day), alcohol, too much food, toxins, stress….etc. If I’m honest -I really DID “deserve” to get cancer. And it is kinda “fair”.
How could a loving God let this happen? I know that God has always been there in my life. And I am ashamed to say that when things are going great, I tend to forget about putting Him first and giving him the credit. I tend to forget about my purpose on this planet – to serve Him. I get complacent. And because He loves me and wants me to remember Him, I have gotten “God smacked” more than a few times. Oh how I turn to Him when things suck! How I pray and ask for His help. Personally, I think the crappy things that have been allowed to happen to me were little nudges for me to come back to Him. I thank Him for that! Which is better? A hard life where in the end God welcomes me with opens arms and calls me daughter… or a wonderful life where in the end God doesn’t even know who I am cuz I was too busy enjoying life than getting to know Him?
If your faith is strong enough God WILL heal you! This saying bugs me the most. On one hand, I agree – “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20). But this verse talks about why the apostles couldn’t drive out a demon on their own. It wasn’t JUST their faith – it’s the “on their own” part that is more important. I have great faith. God knows it. He knows I trust in Him complicity. Sure, I have asked Him to heal me and I absolutely KNOW that He could – IF He wanted to.
THAT’S the part these “by the stripes of Jesus” fanatics tend to forget. You can’t DEMAND that God do what YOU want. He is God and you know only an infinitesimally small part of the picture He is painting. Maybe it is His plan that I die early from this. Maybe not. Maybe He is using this illness to reach someone else. Maybe my purpose on this earth is even smaller than that. Maybe I am Mother Theresa’s great grandmother whom no ones knows or cares about and may not have done a single great thing in her life -other than give birth to one of the people who would bring a really amazing godly person in to the earth who affected millions. In the olden days, I longed to be famous. To be someone great. Now, I am just happy to be redeemed and know whatever small part I play in the grand scheme of things, it matters to God. And that’s all that matters.
Some people chose to blame God for their ills. To no longer believe in Him if He doesn’t grant their fervent prayer. That’s not me and never will be -no matter how ugly this may end up being. Sure, I’d rather die peacefully in my sleep at a ripe old age. But if I don’t and if the end brings me some serious suffering…. well -it’s still a small price to pay for the suffering Christ did for me and the prize at the end of it all because of His sacrifice.
So please, when my life finally does end -let there be rejoicing at my funeral, not sadness! For I will be happy, pain free and in my Father’s arms waiting for all of you to join me.
I’m at the very end of this video…that tiny little dot…